LUKE STAIRWALKER AND THE ESCALATOR OF DOOM

Luke Stairwalker and the Escalator Of Doom
by Rob Errera

There are unexpected moments in life that shape you, that define who you are. Like last week, when I stepped off the subway train and got on the escalator. There is a simple rule of etiquette on the subway escalator: stand on the right, walk on the left. It's not hard to figure outexcept for one man, the evil entity called Luke Stairwalker.

Luke Stairwalker stands on the left side of the escalator and when someone asks him to move so they can pass, he'll start to berate them, shouting at the top of his lungs, "LOOK OUT EVERYBODY! HERE COMES LUKE STAIRWALKER! IN A HURRY! GOTTA PASS EVERYBODY UP! MAKE WAY FOR THE LUKE STAIRWALKER!"

Why does he yell at people who are just trying to get to work? Why can't this guy abide by the same unwritten rule of escalator etiquette as everyone else? It's a mystery, but everyone else on the escalator ignores him so I do, too. Until last week, when he started shouting a few steps down from me.

"LOOK OUT! HERE COMES ANOTHER LUKE STAIRWALKER!" His victim was a middle-aged businessman, a pudgy guy, probably from Jersey. The businessman stopped alongside Luke Stairwalker. A look of anger flashed across his face, then amusement. Then he too started shouting at the top of his lungs.

"OKAY, EVERYBODY. I'M ON MY WAY TO WORK AND THIS GUY WANTS EVERYONE TO KNOW IT. SO LETS ALL TURN AROUND AND WATCH ME WALK UP THE STAIRS WHILE THIS GUY YELLS AT ME, OKAY?"

Things were getting interesting. A little too interesting for the two ladies standing behind me. They stepped to the left and walked past me, eager to get away from the commotion. Now Luke Stairwalker and the Businessman were directly behind me.

"GO AHEAD, LUKE STAIRWALKER!" the maniac screamed. "IF YOU'RE IN SUCH A HURRY, GO AHEAD UP THE STAIRS. HURRY UP!"

"NO," the Businessman shouted back, only inches from Luke's face. "I'M ENJOYING THE RIDE. I'M GOING TO STAND RIGHT HERE FOR THE REST OF IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?"

The other riders on the escalator were all staring straight ahead, pretending nothing was happening. They looked like scared sheep. Nobody was quite sure how this drama was going to play out, but we were all captive to it for at least another sixty seconds.

I turned around to face the arguing men. This was my moment, my chance to stick up for a fellow commuter, and put Luke Stairwalker in his place. I eyed up Luke. He didn't look very imposing. If things got physical, me and the Businessman, two pudgy Jersey boys, could handle him. If ever a person needed "some sense knocked into him" Luke was the guy.

"WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?" I was prepared to shout. "EVERY MORNING YOU HARASS PEOPLE ON THEIR WAY TO WORK. WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAND TO THE RIGHT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?"

But I didn't say anything. I watched Luke and the Businessman argue for a few more moments then I turned around again. I stared straight ahead. A wimp. A sheep. The two continued to scream even after the ride was over and we hit 42nd Street.

"OKAY, PAL," the Businessman said. "HAVE A NICE DAY NOW."

"HEY," Luke said, walking a few paces behind him. "WHY DON'T YOU BEAT ME UP THEN? IF I ANNOY YOU SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST KICK MY BUTT?"

They disappeared around a corner and a few moments later their voices faded. When I described this story to friends later that day, they all agreed I was right not to confront Luke Stairwalker.

"He was probably some homeless guy who picks fights with people and then sues them for assault," a friend advised. "You never know who you're messing with in New York City. It's better to not get involved." Another friend agreed. "There's no point arguing with insane people, dude. It's a no-win situation."

I'm sure my friends are right. You can't talk sense to the senseless. Yet I can't shake the feeling that I failed somehow, that I turned a blind eye to injustice. Not every wrong can be righted, but you should at least try to stand up for what's right. In some ways, Luke Stairwalker is a better man than mehe's crazy as a loon, but at least he speaks out for what he believes in. Maybe that's what I'm most ashamed ofif I had it to do over again, I'd still stand silently on the right, staring straight ahead.