20 QUESTIONS WITH THE INCREDIBLE LOU FERRIGNO

This is my final attempt at wise-ass humor circa 2000, where I cruelly goof on Lou Ferrigno’s deafness and speech impediment. I almost feel bad about it, but, as everybody saw on “Celebrity Apprentice,” the guy is kind of a dick.

20 QUESTIONS WITH THE INCREDIBLE LOU FERRIGNO

lou ferrigno
Big Lou shows off his monster muscles and swampy pits.

A World Champion bodybuilder, Lou Ferrigno followed in buff pal Arnold Schwarzenegger’s deep footprints, and landed himself the lead role in the 1970s television show The Incredible Hulk. A pop culture icon, Lou is a regular at fan conventions and is currently enjoying a rejuvenated career as both a body-builder and actor.

QUESTION 1: Will you be trying out for a part in the new feature-length Incredible Hulk movie?

FERRIGNO: Dut?

QUESTION 2: I said, will you be involved in the upcoming Incredible Hulk movie?

FERRIGNO: Dut? I can’t underdamned you. Good you please pace me so I can weed your lips?

QUESTION 3: What?

FERRIGNO: Dut?

QUESTION 4: Excuse me?

FERRIGNO: I dead, dut?

QUESTION 5: Are you saying twat?

FERRIGNO: Dut?

QUESTION 6: Twat?

FERRIGNO: What?

QUESTION 7: Oh, what! I get it now.

FERRIGNO: Are you baking pun at pee?

QUESTION 8: What the fuck did you just say?

FERRIGNO: Hey, grew you, asshole. I was born deaf and I have a beach inbediment.

QUESTION 9: You have a beach inbediment? Do you live near the ocean?

FERRIGNO: Very punny, bluebag. Why don’t you buck off, you insensitive dastard.

QUESTION 10: Did you just call me a dastard? Come on…you’re doing this on purpose, right?

FERRIGNO: Hey pluck you! I don’t have to bake this slit!

QUESTION 11: Bake this slit? I never realized you were such a salty guy, Lou.

FERRIGNO: Do you wheelize I’m ducking deaf, and I have a bleach embattlement, you wick?

QUESTION 12: A bleach embattlement? And did you just call me a wick?

lou-ferrigno-as-the-hulk
“Bulk trash! Date, twat’s my wine?”

FERRIGNO: Dut?

QUESTION 13: Did you just call me a hut?

FERRIGNO: Dut?

QUESTION 14: Did you just call me a twat?

FERRIGNO: Twat the pork is wang with jew, ham?

QUESTION 15: Wow. That’s heavy, Lou.

FERRIGNO: Dut? Twat are you weighing?

QUESTION 16: I’m not weighing anything?

FERRIGNO: Look, this is willy.

QUESTION 17: Jesus Christ, are you going to whip your cock out, Lou?

FERRIGNO: Hey yuck foo, yam!

QUESTION 18: Wait a second…did you just understand that last question?

FERRIGNO: Twat?

QUESTION 19: Are you retarded or missing a chromosome or something?

FERRIGNO: Truck?

QUESTION 20: What?

FERRIGNO: Twat?

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THE FINAL DAYS OF WALTER MATTHAU

Here’s another weird bit of web satire from 2000. I don’t know why I decided to pick on Walter Matthau. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

walter matthau in hospital
The dramatic final days of comic legend Walter Matthau.

Good night, funny man

Beloved comedic actor Walter Matthau, star of blockbuster films The Odd Couple, The Sunshine Boys, and Grumpy Old Men, kept his humor until the end, according to those close to him during his final days.

According to Hollywood Home Health Care Nurse Mary Goodhead, who cared for the ailing actor before his death last month, Matthau was in good spirits, laughing and cracking jokes right until the moment of his death.

“On Friday afternoon he was having trouble breathing, and said he had a headache. I offered him a cigarette, and he said, ‘Are you trying to kill me?’ He was always saying funny things like that,” Goodhead said.

“Later that night, I had some friends over. We were having after dinner drinks when Mr. Matthau came out of the bedroom. He said he felt sick. He headed toward the bathroom, but he fell down after a few steps—really hit the ground hard, landing on his face. We all started cracking up. Then he vomited, a big puddle of yellow bile, and that really got us rolling. My boyfriend Butch laughed so hard he took a shit right on the living room couch,” Goodhead explained.

“Mr. Matthau laid there for a really long time. It was so hilarious. Then he started moaning, ‘I’m in pain. It hurts, it hurts. Please help me.’ I gave him a couple Nembutal, and a can of beer. He couldn’t hold the can, so I poured the beer down his throat. He started choking, so I smacked him on the back a couple of times. His false teeth fell out, and landed in his lap. We all started laughing again. Walter said, ‘Please, God, I want to die.’ We were roaring. It was so cute.”

Comic Genius Kept ‘Em Laughing Until the End

The 79-year-old Matthau was still knockin’ em dead the day he died.

“He was still lying in the hall the next morning. We were all pretty hung over. Around noon, Butch and I picked him up and carried him into bed. His breathing was really shallow and raspy. He asked Butch if he was Jack Lemon, and Butch and I got a good chuckle out of it. He also said he saw George Burns sitting in the corner of the room, holding a pitchfork. It was a great line. He was so on!

“Butch asked Walt if he could borrow a few dollars to buy beer. He took Walt’s wallet from the dresser and started taking money out. Walter called him a ‘Cocksucking thief,’ and I just about pissed my pants! That man was a comic genius.

“Walt did another great pratfall out of the bed. Butch picked him up by the neck, and put him back. Then Walt started crying, real soft and quiet. It was brilliant, like an Andy Kaufman skit.”

The perennial comic dozed for a while that afternoon, but he was back for his final performance around 4 p.m.

“He started moaning, asking for his family, and Butch told him to be quiet. He started squirming around on the bed, waving his arms about aimlessly. I think he was doing a Frankenstein impression. It was funny as hell. Butch poured a shot of Tequila in his mouth, and Walt puked it all over the floor. He started flopping around on the bed, making all these funny noises. He sounded like a seal at the circus, and we were cracking up.

Last Rites

“Then he let out a huge fart, and flipped onto the floor. We must have laughed for five minutes straight! It wasn’t until Butch went to pick Mr. Matthau up and put him back in bed that we realized he hadn’t just farted…he had shit himself! Butch had it all over his arms, and I was laughing so hard that I shit, pissed, puked and started menstruating. Butch put Walt back in bed and, just as a joke, wiped his shit-covered arms clean on the front of Walt’s shirt. Walter was the perfect straight man—he never said a word!” Goodhead chuckled.

“After that, Butch and I took a shower, had sex, played a chess tournament, ate dinner, and watched a movie. When I checked on Mr. Matthau later that night, he was dead. He was lying on the floor about halfway across the room. He appeared to be crawling toward the window. It was so sad to see him go. He was such a kind, sweet, generous gentleman, one of America’s finest actors,” Goodhead said. “At least the end was peaceful for him.”

A Matthau family spokesperson said the family was sorry it could not raise the ransom money needed to free Matthau before his death, but that “frankly, he was sort of a dick.”

When asked to comment, Jack Lemon said, “What the fuck?”

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ELTON JOHN SHOCKER: “I’M NOT GAY!”

I wrote this back in March 2000 for a satire web site that was trying to compete with The Onion. The site didn’t last long, even though I thought some of the material was pretty funny. If you’re easily offended, you might want to skip this one. It’s just a joke…fag.

Flamboyant Rocker Jumps Back In The Closet

After coming out of the closet in the 1990s, flamboyant pop star Elton John, is back in with a shocking announcement last Thursday.

“All my life, I’ve been living a lie,” John said. “I’m not gay, nor have I ever been gay. I’ve never sucked a cock in my life!”

Elton John—”Do I look gay to you?!”

The news came as a shock to fans and colleges alike, many of whom were under the impression that John had been a cornholer for well over twenty years. But John says it was all a publicity stunt which took on a life of its own under the forces of political and social pressures.

“When I called of my engagement in the early ’70s, the record company thought it would be better if I just acted really gay instead of admitting that I didn’t want to marry that evil bitch,” John explains. “The fact that my songs are so effeminate and that I collaborate with flaming homo Bernie Taupin helped support the myth. But I’m not gay. I’m not into dicks…I’m into chicks! I love the feel, touch and taste of fine pussy as much as the next guy. Maybe even more. I love pussy!”

Rocket Man

News of John’s heterosexuality shocked organizers of AMFAR, the world’s biggest AIDS research organization. John had been one of AMFAR’s biggest supporters and fundraisers. But all that is over now, according to John.

“I was pressured into supporting these organizations by notorious fag hags Elizabeth Taylor and Princess Diana. I never wanted to endorse these groups, but I feared these closet dykes would expose my secret. I was blackmailed into supporting homo-erotic art and raising money for AIDS research,” John said.

“Well, fuck all those dirty faggots and their filthy butt-sex disease! I’m such a goddamned man, I won’t even fuck a woman in the ass because it reminds me of those depraved bone-smugglers!” John continued, adding, “I do enjoy a good blowjob, though.”

John said he is relived he must no longer keep his true self a secret.

“Now that Diana is dead and Liz weighs close to 500 pounds and is immobile, I feel the real truth can finally come out,” John said. “I like to fuck women!”

When asked for comment, Elizabeth Taylor said she was in the middle of diner and could not be disturbed. Princess Diana was still dead at press time.

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